Mai Rants about Zutara
by keylee
Summary: A rant. Probably contains: immaturity, offensive arguments against Zutara, and a ridiculous amount of pro-Maiko content. Zutarians beware...flames accepted.


**DISCLAIMER: I don't really mean to offend anyone through this, seeing as I wrote it merely **_**as a joke.**_** I repeat, a **_**JOKE**_**. But, after seeing the Zutarian fandom's reaction to Bryke's SDCC panel this year (2008), I can't make any promises. I don't care if Zutarians still write fanfiction and make awesome fanart. Let the ship live, for Agni's sake, I don't really care either way. **

**As a concerned (and die-hard) Maiko shipper, I wrote this as a joke in response to their new "Zutara Project" (to redo the finale to make it Zutara centric). Some parts of this rant may not make sense…and to that, I will say that I don't care. I already told you that this would be immature and possibly blunt. I wrote this in the span of an hour (3:23am to 4:31am to be exact), so don't expect great, sensible, writing. This is in ****MAI'S POV**** so Mai's thoughts and comments don't necessarily reflect my own. ;) **

**Um…I warned you…so read at your own risk…**

"_Zutara?!_"

And so it began. Not only does seventy-five percent of the fandom hate me just for being quieter and more mysterious than that ridiculous Water Tribe flirt, but they found the guts to ship _Zuko, _my own _boyfriend,_ with her!

Seriously, you people need your heads examined. Luckily, I do happen to have a surgeon's knife around here somewhere…

No? You'd rather continue dreaming about Zuko and Katara's secret sex lives (of which Aang and I know _nothing_ about, of course), or perhaps fulfill dear Zuzu's love life with a more exciting and 'hot' female lead?

Okay, so I'm not a bender. Oh darn, I guess I'm useless now. Yeah, I have a few sweet weapons hidden up my sleeves, but I'm _obviously_ far inferior to a waterbender. Oops, wait, did I say waterbender? I meant _master_ waterbender. Nothing but the best for Prince Zuko, of course!

No feelings?! Do you people ever look outside the box?

Aw darn it…nevermind…

So I'm not a weepy crybaby who can't resist giving overemotional speeches about hope all the time…does that give you people the right to just kill me (or the poor bald kid) off for the sake of a romance?

"But it's _destiny!!_" you moan. Hmmm…

You know, "destiny" is a very subjective term. Let's see:

**Destiny: (noun) **the fate or future of one or more beings

Okay, cool. Let's analyze this further, shall we? (why yes, I _do_ know big words like "analyze," after all, I _do_ have an I.Q. level higher than that of a platypus bear!)

Season one…winter, right? Azula was still at home in the Fire Nation, and I was chilling in Omashu with my parents and annoying little brother. King Bumi was rather interesting to talk to…It's been years since I've seen my childhood crush, _**ZUKO**_. Agni I miss that guy…

Season two…spring. Azula comes along and rescues me from a life so dull that even Ty Lee would be put to sleep here. Go on a few missions with my old friends, mostly just searching for the Avatar. That bald kid and the Water Tribe girl are a great team…they took down our whole drill almost singlehandedly (oh, but of course, she is secretly dreaming of Zuko the entire time!).

Azula then somehow works her magic and conquers the whole freaking city of Ba Sing Se. Okay, whatever. Apparently Prince Pouty and Princess Hope spent some time together in the crystal catacombs beneath the palace…according to Azula, things were getting so hot down there that she could feel the heat from miles away…

Until, of course, the Duke of Dork turned around and betrayed her (but _of course_ it was just a temporary split…ZUTARA LIVES!! odbhgtojdbshsnm!!)

Season two to season three break: O…M…G…!! I meet up with Zuko again! After a fun evening out on the town, he secretly confesses to me in the janitor's closet that his heart is still pining for his true love: 3 Katara 3

"Um, okay Zuzu, but can you just give me some of your love before ditching me?"

"Um, I guess," he replies with a _hugely_ disappointed sigh. "Looks like I'll be stuck with you for another half season I guess?"

I stare at him unemotionally. He _will not_ get any lovin' from me! "Yup."

He spins on his heels and leaves, his mind already forming a plot to get back at me for making him agree to go through ten future episodes of sheer torture (learning experiences sold separately). After all, it was _my_ decision to make him come home to the Fire Nation and have me forced into a position of "substitute girlfriend" (until he can steal the brunette chick back from the unsuspecting monk in episode 312).

Season three: training time!

_Smooch!_

Ah making out…it's a fine art, indeed. What a shame that Zuko is forced to share his first training sessions with a boring Goth freak. Ah well, the more kissing, the better. After all, I'm sure Miss Flirtatious will want a man with experience come episode 320 (why no, I most certainly am _not _referring to the young Avatar!)

Episode 309: What ho?! The boy decides it's time to kick teh romance up a notch and politely invites himself over to my house. My _abandoned_ house. To spend the night. The two of us. Together. In the same room. _Alone_.

I suspect our time together is nearing an end on the night he tells me that he's unhappy with his life. Namely, _me._

Alas, Dum Dum is still moaning for the Water Tribe girl. When he falls asleep during our sex training sessions, he always cries out for her caressing touch; her amazing smile; her delicious lips…

I say nothing. Why? Because I have no emotions. I don't feel anything. I'm just a big "blah" after all, just as Sir Tactful had once told me.

I get a letter a couple days later. It's from Zuko (gee, what a surprise). He left me supposedly for the Avatar. Uh-huh. _Sure, Zuko_.

And uh, what about the gorgeous, blue-eyed, sex toy he's traveling with? Oh right, she hates you. No problem, Zuko should just patch things up with her friends first by going on field trips with them. Then, once he gains everyone's trust, strike her down and show her just how hot a _fire_ prince can be!

Episode 315: Hi Zuko! Um…bye Zuko?

The guards are going to kill you, oh former lover of mine. So, I decide to save your ass, just as I have hundreds of times before.

"Who is that?" his friend asks.

"It's Mai," he replies, not bothering to urge his friends to go back for me when I get captured by Azula. Why should he? Now that I'm out of the way…ZUTARA LIVES ZOMG FOAMMAGE PWNAGE HAHAHA!!

Yeah.

So I decide to chill in prison for a few weeks, hoping that Zuko would at least have it in him to repay my kindness by busting me outta there. Huh. A snowman has a better chance of surviving a fifty-firebender attack than _that_ happening! Whatever. I am unaffected by the fact that he is probably off having fun with his new girlfriend (because, of course, I am a one-dimensional character with no emotions or feelings).

Episode 320: Katara saves her one true love: Prince Zuko of teh Fire Nationz. Looking into his eyes after he saved his dearly beloved (a.k.a.: HER) from a deadly bolt of lightning, the mighty Katara uses her amazing healing abilities to save Zuko from a horribly painful death.

Ha! Like _I_ could have done anything that miraculous! Heck, this just _proves_ that I'm more of a liability than an asset to Zuko…

As the tunes of "Kiss the Girl" float around the area, Katara ever so lovingly helps my dear _ex_ up from the ground and hugs him with all her might.

So this is what destiny is. Katara found Aang in an iceberg and he _knew_ she was the One. I've loved Zuko since I first met him. Aang almost gave up on saving the world from the Dai Lee's takeover (along with the Fire Nation, and Azula, and so on) _just for Katara_. I betrayed Azula: the same crazy, psychotic perfectionist who looked on gleefully in Zuko's first Agni Kai and nearly killed the Avatar; _just for Zuko._

But behold! NONE of this matters! **Maikonites** and **Kataangers**: **GIVE UP NAO!** You _pathetic canon shippers_ are lost in the Stone Age. ZUTARA is all the rage fools! Your senseless foreshadowing and destiny-ness and canon status **means nothing!** I mean, are you people blind?! Three quarters of the freakin' fandom are rooting for Zutara!

Your failure to see the big picture will be your downfall!! MUAHAHAHAHA!

o.O

O.# (lolz)

O.o

In your endless quest for Zutaradom, you shippers have seemed to have overlooked my awesomesauce secret power: _sarcasm_.

Ah yes, I always seem to see blank faces around this point in the conversation. You see, you can try and change our (note the use of _**OUR**_ not MY) happy endings. Zuko was happier than I've ever seen the poor guy, Aang was satisfied that he ended up with his first and only true love; and even _Katara_ seemed blatantly joyful to be paired with Aang, rather than the ex-Angry Jerk whom she'd obviously rather remain friends with.

In philosophical terms, this is known as _utilitarianism._ It means 'promoting the greatest utility, or **happiness**, for the greatest number of people.' (look it up if you don't believe me…I told you my I.Q. was higher than a Mooselion, didn't I?)

Now, I don't want to kill all of your Zutarian dreams and desires…nah, I'm just asking you people to be realistic: does Zuko really look _so_ miserable with me (and vice versa with Katara and Aang) that you'd rather kill off two other people's happiness in order to throw Zutara together? (which, based on that _lovely_ **scoot! **scene in "The Ember Island Players," Katara and Zuko aren't all pleased with the idea in the first place!)

If you answered 'yes' to the above question, then I quoth actor!Zuko: "You sicken me!"

If you really reflected on the question and decided that maybe we don't look all that horrible together, then go to your local bakery and get yourself a nice donut, cause you deserve it after today's critical thinking lesson (tell them to put it on my tab).

Maiko 4 Ever

**Uh…the end. Again, I have lots of friends who are Zutarians, and I don't get all worked up when they're flat-out rude about my ship. Heck, I love reading anti-Maiko stuff just for lulz. My life's happiness doesn't depend on a ship, so at least I can sit back and laugh every once in a while. Also, I don't care if fanon Zutara lives on forever. I have no problems with Zutarians until they blatantly destroy my ship (ie: making a new finale to replace my ship)**

**Any reviews accepted, even flames, cause I **_**know **_**they're coming. Thanks for reading!**


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